It's not me, it's you

Hey TV, do you have a minute?  We need to talk. 

Maybe you should sit down for this…..! 

I know there’s no easy way to say this and rather than tip toe around the issue like we’ve been doing the past few years, I’m just going to come out and say it:  I’m breaking up with you. 

And just so we’re clear it’s not me; it’s you. 

I know it seems like I’m springing this on you, but can you honestly say you didn’t see this coming?  The quality of your prime-time programming just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.  My once-favorite shows like The Office & How I met your Mother have just dropped to an all-time low.  And why the hell is Two & a Half Men still on the air?  3 times a night every night, no less?  That show’s terrible!  And where are all these Reality-TV shows coming from??  You know how much I hate that crap! 

Look, I don’t mean to yell but I’ve been feeling this way for a while now and I’ve come to the conclusion that we would both be better off if we just didn’t see each other anymore. 

Don’t get me wrong; I still think you’re beautiful.  Heck, you’re even more beautiful than the day I met you.  How could you not be now that you switched over to satellite and hi-def resolution?  But ever since you did that, things have gotten really expensive / complicated.  I can’t even keep track of all these cable programming packages I need just to see you. 

Look, I know there are reasons to stay; I hear great things about Community, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Weeds, South Park and Modern Family…..but let’s face it: I’m never gonna be around to watch those. 

And yeah, since you asked, there *is* someone else.  Her name’s Netflix, and she’ just cheaper and easier to be with than you.  Hey – she is *NOT* a slut.  How dare you call her that?  You don’t even know her! 

Stop, just stop; I’m not going to argue with you about this.  It’s too late to change my mind.  I’m going.  I’m leaving now to give you some time to process this information with your regularly scheduled programming.  I already canceled my subscription to TV guide and you can keep have all the remotes.  I’ll be back to pick up my DVD player later—

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Wait – did you say Parks & Recreations: Season 3 just started? 

I’M BACK, BABY!